Is your stress and anger constructive or destructive? Take our quiz and find out!
We all know that positivity and kind thoughts are the key to our wellbeing, but getting in touch with our dark side can help us to find a sense of balance, says Jo Carnegie
At the start of this year, I had a bit of a moment. I was in the self-help section of a well-known bookstore, browsing through the pile of the latest ‘New Year, New You’ offerings. As I gazed at the brightly coloured covers encouraging me to feel happier and be less stressed, rather than feeling motivated and uplifted, I just felt rather… angry.
I wasn’t in the mood for finding joy, or my inner peace, or being mindful. If I’m being perfectly honest, what I really wanted to do was up-end the whole table, shout “Sod this for a lark!” and storm out. Which clearly isn’t sociably acceptable behaviour for a grown woman of 42.
It wasn’t the books’ fault, well meaning as they were, or the people who wrote them. So why did they have such an adverse effect on me?
We live now in a pro-positive culture that encourages us to practise kindness, feel gratitude and follow our dreams. Go through any Instagram feed and you’ll find an inspirational quote from Rumi or Gandhi, or some other sunny social media sound bite, usually accompanied by a nice picture of a flower, or a beach, or a heavenly looking sunset. The mind, body and soul market is still booming, especially in the UK.
In a world of Brexit, Trump, uncertain economic times and a planet in crisis, you can totally understand the desire – and need – to look for the good.
But as much as we strive for this harmonious way of living, we are also human. We have days when the whole world annoys us. We secretly judge our friends. We get stressed but struggle to talk about it, lest we blow that cover of hard-won serenity.
Unfortunately, these very normal feelings can get buried under all the relentlessly chipper vibes being put out there and it can actually make us feel worse about ourselves: ‘Why can’t I feel the love towards him/her? I’m such a bad person!’ In the pursuit of our Higher Selves, there’s a danger we’re not being our Authentic Selves.
What would people think if they saw what we were really like?
Embracing our taboo side
The concept of a shadow self was first coined by the famous Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung. The shadow, Jung surmised, was the ‘taboo’ aspects of our personality that we choose to repress and bury deep in our psyche.
Dr Claudia Herbert is a Chartered Consultant Clinical Psychologist at The Oxford Development Centre (www.oxforddevelopmentcentre.co.uk), which specialises in Depth Psychology exploring our subtle unconscious, and Transpersonal Psychology, which draws on the work of Jung.
“As humans, we have both the light side and the darker shadow,” Claudia says. “If we just focus on the positive at the expense of denying those parts of us that might feel angry, spiteful or envious, then the positive isn’t going to work.”
No matter how many mantras, blogs or books that tell you otherwise. “To be told to be happy doesn’t make you happy,” says Claudia. “You’re happy or you’re not. Happiness is an internal condition, not something you can switch on and off.”
Women especially have been brought up not to show anger
That’s very reassuring to hear. For women especially, anger is something we’ve been brought up to not show. For example: ‘Nice girls don’t make a fuss,’ or when we get older: ‘You’re being hysterical.’ This can have an adverse effect on us in adult life.
“If we can’t share those sides, they basically become what we call un-integrated,” says Claudia. “Then they come out during times when we really don’t mean them to come out.” (White wine rage, anyone?).
But of course, owning your shadow isn’t the opportunity to start acting like a total diva. “Obviously, it’s not very healthy to live out those shadow sides in the sense that we’d hurt somebody else, but it’s very important that we find a way of owning and acknowledging these parts,” says Claudia. “If we can accept ourselves, both our positive side and our shadow side, that is the way we can find peace with ourselves. We become whole.”
Anger can be positive
Indeed, anger can be an energising thing. Look at the countless good causes and movements in history and around the world, motivated by people united to act against something. Anger can spur you into action to make changes, big or small.
“Anger can be a mobiliser,” agrees Claudia. “But you need to know that this is anger and it’s OK to feel this, rather than, ‘Oh no, this is terrible and I’m a bad person.’”
So how do you do it in a constructive, rather than destructive way? “You can try to breathe into it and just stay with it,” says Claudia. “What usually happens is that it fades a bit and it might turn into a bit of sadness and that’s OK, it’s OK to have a cry.”
Hmm, what if we still want to throw things? “Do something with your anger,” advises Claudia. “Go for a run, channel it into something you really want to do, write it down, or say to someone, ‘I’m just furious, can I talk it through with you?’ What’s really important is that you own it without acting it out.”
Facing the deepest, darkest parts of yourself can still feel really scary, and if it seems too strong or overwhelming, it may be worth going to see a professional. Claudia explains: “For some of us, it might relate back to situations in childhood where we felt out of control or powerless, or we didn’t get what we needed and we’ve suppressed all these emotions. In those cases it can be very useful to go and talk to somebody and work it through in a safe and constructive way that can help us heal.”
So rather than feeling scared or ashamed of your shadow, try to see it as a positive (that word again!). It can contain a whole spectrum of parts that we’ve denied for some reason, from grief to hidden strength to creativity. What they all have in common is that they are all completely normal.
“Our shadow parts are a great signalling system,” says Claudia. “Generally, these emotions are here to help us, to show us what is good for us and what isn’t so good for us. I think it’s really important that we learn to listen to them. That’s where our healing lies.”
How well do you deal with stress?
Recognising how we react to stressful situations can help us to nurture a calmer approach. Take our quiz, then learn more about managing stress.
1. After a tough day at work and an uncomfortable meeting, you:
A. Spend the evening relaxing, letting go of a bad day.
B. Criticise yourself for not handling the situations better.
C. Ruminate over what went wrong and replay the negative experiences on repeat.
2. Do you find it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep through the night?
A. No, I fall asleep quickly and sleep soundly.
B. Sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep if I have lots going on.
C. Yes, I struggle with sleep and often find myself waking up during the night.
3. Is it challenging for you to make decisions?
A. I can easily make decisions when I need to.
B. I struggle to make decisions and don’t always trust the decision I make is the right one.
C. I am terrible at making decisions, it makes me anxious and tense.
4. Generally speaking, how much energy do you have?
A. I feel energised most of the time.
B. My energy levels are generally fine but sometimes lower than I’d like.
C. I’m perpetually tired and seriously lack energy.
5. In challenging times, how do you support yourself?
A. I try to keep a healthy perspective on the situation; I make time and space to deal with what’s going on.
B. I try to keep calm and carry on, sometimes I put on a brave face and other times I open up and seek help from friends or professionals.
C. I struggle to manage my emotions and tend to blame myself. I don’t know how to escape the overwhelm.
6. Can you easily concentrate on completing your tasks and day to day duties?
A. I can easily concentrate and focus my attention where it’s needed.
B. I sometimes get distracted and I can be a bit forgetful too.
C. I regularly struggle to concentrate, and I worry I have a poor memory.
7. Would your friends and family say you’re a snappy, irritable person?
A. Not at all, that’s not me!
B. I’m only snappy if I am feeling overwhelmed or time-poor.
C. I am sometimes irritable with loved ones, and it happens more often than like to admit.
8. Do you find it easy to ask for help?
A. Yes, I ask for help all the time.
B. I sometimes struggle with tasks for a while before realising I can ask for help.
C. I find it hard to ask for help as I worry it will be seen as a failing or a weakness.
9. What’s your schedule like right now?
A. Flexible – I like lots of free time, you never know what may pop up!
B. Busy, but I’m mostly managing the demands of the day.
C. Unmanageable – I’m taking on too much and I can’t keep this up.
10. Do you recognise when you’re stressed?
A. Yes, I notice I’m taking on too many demands and I feel worried. That’s when I know to pull back.
B. Yes, my eating habits change, I have less energy, experience headaches and tension around my body.
C. I never notice until it’s too late – I’m exhausted, my body aches, I get bad headaches and feel dizzy, I struggle to sleep, my stomach is upset, and I usually get a cold on top of it all!
What your answers reveal...
Mostly A's
You know how to switch off and self-care is a top priority
Your toolkit of stress management techniques serves you well and it allows you to keep your reactivity and health in check. Your resilience helps you to take on life’s challenges and you even have the capacity to help others whenever they might be in need.
Remember it’s okay to stretch yourself from time to time as stress isn’t something to be avoided altogether. Try making a list of meaningful goals and passions you would like to pursue in the next 12 months, knowing you’ve got what it takes to not become overwhelmed as you take on a new challenge or two.
Mostly B's
You cope well with pressure but there’s room to improve
You’re becoming more aware of the situations that stress you out, but that’s usually after the fact. Try keeping a diary for a week and notice all the things that trigger you or tick you off. Reflecting on your stressors will give you a chance to make changes and respond more wisely to them, or remove them, in future.
Empower yourself to be assertive if you know certain situations or demands are too much for you by gracefully saying no. Be mindful of what you do, and don’t, take on, and the impact this can have on you both mentally and physically.
Mostly C's
A small glitch is enough to make your head spin
You’re overloaded with daily demands and you’re reaching, or have reached, your upper limit. You’re tired of being exhausted and it’s leading you to become highly reactive to situations where you’d like to be more thoughtful and responsive.
Respect your limits and set some healthy boundaries moving forward. Otherwise, you’ll burn out before you know it.
Firstly, listen to your body. Taking time to switch off is just as important as anything else on your plate, so make it priority number one and dedicate time daily or weekly to resting, relaxing and enjoying yourself.
Could simply getting outside more hold the key to better mental health? Discover Friluftsliv: The Nordic secret to a happier, healthier life.
Good stress vs bad stress
Stress is a natural response, and can even be useful when we keep it in check, says Annika Rose
If you’ve felt stressed this month, this week or even at some point today, welcome to the club. Stress is an inevitable part of modern life. While it can be useful in small doses and certain situations, over a long period stress can wreak havoc and do damage.
It is, however, possible to make friends with stress. You can recognise the signs when it arrives, keep it in check or even use it to your advantage, and let it remind you to aim for better balance in body and mind. There are lots of things in today’s world to trigger stress. Overflowing inboxes, complex relationships, credit card debt and workplace worries are abundant.
Interestingly, while a social media snub may send you into a stressed-out spin, your bestie may not bat an eyelid at such ‘trivial’ things. Recognising what sets your stress off, and where your upper limit lies, can be crucial in managing it responsibly. It’s important to respect that everyone’s triggers and thresholds vary.
Not only do we all differ in what causes us stress, our behaviours during periods of stress can be wide-ranging too: overeating or missing meals, becoming tired or wired, acting irritably or withdrawing completely. It helps to notice your own signs and signals and how you respond when demands get too high.
Developing a deeper awareness of how you react can help you to identify early on that you’re becoming stressed – and therefore, how to handle it best.
Warning signs
Your body naturally responds to demands and danger by activating the stress (fight or flight) response. Within an instant, this can signal that something is seriously wrong, and you should always pay attention to the warning signs your brain and body shares with you.
However, you also need to judge the weight of your worries realistically, because your brain can be quick to panic based on perceived, rather than real, threats.
Whether something stressful is actually happening or you’re imagining it, your stress response reacts in the same way. Your brain and body is immediately flooded with hormones and chemicals preparing you to fight or flee. As you sit in safety imagining the worst-case scenario, you’re signalling danger and can feel totally stressed out within seconds.
Keeping your stress in check is good for a number of reasons. Not only does life feel a lot better when you’re cool, calm and collected, but it’s also seriously important for your overall health and wellbeing.
Managing your stress will keep you happier and healthier; it lifts your mood, boosts your immune system, makes it easier to focus and can even help you to live longer.
But the more you put yourself under pressure or find yourself frequently dealing with stressful situations, the more compromised your systems become – you’re more likely to feel frazzled and act irritably, catch a cold or pick up an infection. Chronic stress over a prolonged period of time can lead to a range of more serious health issues from stomach ulcers and insomnia to increased risk of developing heart disease.
Beyond your comfort zone
Don’t let the downside overwhelm you, however, as there is also an upside to stress. Good stress, or ‘eustress’, refers to an optimal level of stress that you can use to your advantage. A surge of this will spur you on to meet a tight deadline, run for the train or deliver your best presentation yet.
On the stress spectrum, good stress is located beyond your comfort zone but before you become overwhelmed. Therein lies a space where experiencing higher stress than normal is associated with increased performance and personal growth; it’s where you get things done and can accomplish your goals.
Your brain is malleable and constantly being reshaped by your experiences and thoughts thanks to a process called neuroplasticity. What you pay attention to really matters – as the focus of your awareness builds or breaks down different networks in your brain. If you’re always stressed, worried, and focussed on what’s wrong, you’re actually training your brain to do more of that – becoming a prolific panicker.
By spending a little time each day building your capacity to be calm and clear, you’ll strengthen these networks in your brain instead. You can support yourself to operate from a positive, relaxed state, where stress is more manageable, and worrying is optional.
Annika’s quick calm tips
- Get moving. Walk, ride, dance, swim… any kind of movement will help clear your head and make you feel calmer.
- Eat fresh and regular meals. Steer away from comfort food, this is when you need to nourish. Do your best to avoid caffeine and other stimulants and avoid drinking alcohol when you’re distressed.
- Hang out with some furry friends. Spending time with animals can ease your worries and leave you
a lot less tense. There are apps that let you borrow a dog if you don’t have your own! - Try to be more mindful. An 8-week mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) course can really help. There’s plenty of research to support how well this program works for your wellbeing, giving you great tools and effective strategies to manage
your challenges. - Ask for help. Discuss your symptoms and stress levels with your GP if you’re concerned. They can recommend useful coping strategies or refer you on to counselling or therapy for further support and to learn effective stress management skills.
Combat stress by learning a new craft!
Crafts have long been recognised as a fantastic mindful activity – they're so much more than just a hobby. Taking the time to concentrate on a dedicated task can be hugely rewarding, and so much more fulfilling than staring at a screen.
It's never too late to learn something new – find out which craft is right for you with Gathered.
