Why making friends as an adult is hard – and how to make it easier
Words by Kay Ribeiro
The stranger said: “Would you mind if I sat opposite you? My friend says I’ll get a better view from this side of the train.” I was several hours into a stressful journey to Cornwall beset with cancelled trains, poor Sunday service, and an almost missed connection, and my mood was far from sunny.
Now the person who had been sending the world’s longest text with their keypad tones on was asking to join me to observe the picturesque view from Exeter. Politeness prevailed, and I said yes, vowing to say something if the tapping continued, and I imagined we would pass the final leg of the journey in silence. But fate had other plans.
Within seconds of sitting down, the woman remarked on the beautiful scenery and effortlessly engaged me in conversation – and we soon discovered we had much in common. I was going to Cornwall for a week-long pottery course, and 69-year-old Barbara, a retired teacher, was going to St Ives to meet some friends and was herself a ceramist. As we continued to discuss our hobbies, I explained I lived in a flat but had green fingers and dreamt of growing my own vegetables.
As it turned out, Barbara had a highly productive allotment – which explained the whole cucumber I had amusingly spied her eating – and to our pleasant surprise, we found it was just one train stop away from me in Surrey.
By the time Barbara started packing up to leave the train, giving me her phone number and warmly inviting me to visit her allotment anytime, I was amazed that two hours had flown by, and my mood had lifted. In fact, I felt completely reinvigorated and excited for my Cornish adventure ahead.
Why making friends as an adult is beneficial
With a 2016 study by The Co-Op and the British Red Cross revealing over 9 million adults in the UK are either “always or often lonely”, it seems many of us could benefit from chatting more.
So why do so many of us struggle to engage with others and enjoy these life-enriching moments? According to life and confidence coach Elisabetta Franzoso (elisabettafranzoso.com), the advent of social media has certainly contributed to our inability to interact.
“Social media has allowed us to connect with people around the world, but these new connections cannot take the place of a good old-fashioned face-to-face conversation,” she says.
“Choosing social media over real-life people impoverishes our communication skills and ability to form authentic connections.”
But Elisabetta hastens to add that social media is not the sole cause of our difficulty with communication: some people struggle to strike up a conversation because of shyness, a lack of confidence, and anxiety.
“These issues can all affect our ability to communicate with others and our ability to form relationships,” she says. “It is really important to realise that real-life, in-person, human connections are incredibly valuable to our wellbeing. If you make the effort to look up from your phone once in a while, smiling at somebody on the bus or saying hello to one of your neighbours – you’ll find that you feel better within yourself for doing so.”
This was certainly my experience. If Barbara had not started talking to me, I would have spent the rest of my journey stewing on the various failings of South Western Railway and become increasingly grumpy. Instead, thanks to her intervention, I had a joyful experience.
Elisabetta explains that when we have the courage to chat with someone we don’t know face to face, we enter the realm of the unknown, and we overcome our fears and fixed belief system, which normally keeps us in protective mode.
We grow from this because we are pushed out of our comfort zone into learning mode, where we can exercise our ‘curiosity muscle’, meet new people, and face new challenges.
Seize the Day – the key to make friends as an adult
So, three weeks after my train journey, remembering our conversation, I ignored my fear that it would seem weird and sent Barbara a text.
To my delight, she not only remembered who I was but was happy I had got in touch. Picking me up from the station, Barbara drove us the short distance to her allotment where I became giddy at the variety of vegetables she was growing and fired endless questions at her, which she answered kindly and with the utmost patience.
"People are fascinating, we just need to let down our guard and open our minds and hearts"
Loading me up with delicious leaf beet, potatoes, and purple sprouting broccoli for my dinner – trumping anything I had bought recently from the supermarket – she suggested I put my name on the waiting list to get my own allotment and said I could visit whenever I liked.
Afterwards, we took a five-minute stroll to nearby Cannizaro Park, home to a small artistic community, where she gave me a tour of her studio. Strolling around and taking in the shelves of beautiful marble-effect ceramics and vivid acrylic paintings, I felt inspired again – this time by Barbara’s creative haven. As we sat down for a cup of tea, I observed how funny it was that a simple conversation on a train in Exeter had led to us sitting here in South West London, a friendship blossoming and my dinner plans all sorted.
“I love things like that,” Barbara told me smiling. “I love those little synchronicities, those cameos of meeting people – I’ve had lots. I find people fascinating.” I couldn’t agree more. People are fascinating, we just need to let down our guard and open our minds and hearts to the wonderful opportunities around us, and start talking.
How to make friends as an adult – top tips
- Reconnect with your inner child
As children, we are innately curious and love to connect with others. Channel your inner child if you're feeling a little unsure when you're trying to make a connection. - Leave your comfort zone
Take some time out of each day to work on developing and nurturing your willingness to try new things. Whether it is sampling a new food or even asking for a pay rise, all of these tasks will open you up to new experiences and leave you feeling more confident about the unknown. - Work on your confidence
Be willing to engage in the process of understanding what true self-confidence really is. You could engage a coach to help you with this, enter counselling, attend a retreat, or read about ways to become more confident. Going the extra mile can genuinely be life-changing. - Be open to love
Open up your mind and heart to the meaning of authentic love for yourself and for others. If you are finding this concept hard to deal with, start the day with a simple affirmation: ‘I love myself and I am lovable’.
